Sometimes it’s a barely their awareness in sleep—rousing slightly, feeling the bed shift in that particular way, Jack’s soft breath and feet padding out of the room. Not a nightmare, likely restless…figure out which of the kitchen drawers Jack rearranged in the morning.
Others, he wakes fully because Jack’s had a bad one, enough to shake Ianto fully awake himself by it. From there, it’s about figuring out what Jack needs, and sometimes it really is to just be left alone until the fear abates enough for him to articulate a need—a kiss for touch, a touch for sex, an utterance of Ianto’s name for support and conversation.
Lately, it’s been this: waking fully, Jack still in bed or padding out of the room. Not restless, not a nightmare. Something new—and new isn’t always good.
So this time, when Jack stands, Ianto doesn’t feign or reach for sleep. He sits up, staring at Jack’s indecisive figure.]
[Jack freezes the moment he hears Ianto's voice, only for his shoulders to drop a second later as he lets out a resigned sigh.]
Not really. Just the frustration of dealing with a brain that has two centuries of memories to scatter all over the place and leaves you to do the cleanup.
[The smile he puts in his voice isn't entirely false; this isn't bad, just not something he thought he'd have to deal with again.
Which is why he doesn't have a great idea of where to start on even sort of explaining it to Ianto so he'll actually believe it's nothing to worry about. Still, he turns and sits back down on the bed instead of just telling Ianto he's fine. He is, but he's not sure that will be so easy to believe if he runs off.
After a long moment staring at the floor, he turns with a weak smile.]
You remember telling my younger self you kinda hoped if you had kids that they'd be like him?
[It's such a roundabout way of getting to the real story--stories--but he hasn't been able to think about his life in a linear fashion in ages, forget talking about it that way.]
[The soft grunt comes as Ianto shifts himself to sit up and scoot closer, draping himself against Jack’s back. He knows how heavily Jack roots himself in touch, seeking everything from inner peace to forgiveness from human contact.
So if a hug will solve all his problems, Ianto will happily cling to him forever—but for the moment, settles for hooking his chin over Jack’s shoulder and sliding his arms around his waist.]
Stand by it, you were an absolute delight as a boy.
[Jack lets out a short huff of laughter as he relaxes into Ianto's hold without even thinking about it. He's done that with a lot of people, true, but Ianto's more conscious than many of the fact there are times he needs just this way more than sex.
Right now, for instance.]
Yeah, well, we got lucky on the timing there. If that stuff'd knocked me back another year, I'm not sure I would've been verbal at all that first day. And if I'd been much older…
[he sighs, wishing he didn't understand why his mind's decided to start rifling through this particular bunch of boxes, because then it would be a lot easier to just kick them back in the corner.
But even if John hadn't told him, however briefly, that something awful had happened to Simon, he would have seen it. Because he could recognize the shape of the man's cheerful, charming masks too well and what it took to make them.]
Bet it comes as a big shock that right around that time, I got it into my head the best way to convince everyone around me that I wasn't a coward was to run off and enlist. And I guess I must've already been charming enough, since I managed to talk my best friend into coming along.
['talk', hell, he'd begged--hadn't wanted to go alone. Not that it had mattered, in the end. And it doesn't matter that he's never managed to bury that memory, that it's one of the few things that's always stayed clear, it's still enough to make his chest tight to think about.
[The words sound distracted as Ianto shifts to kiss Jack’s shoulder, then press his nose into the curve of his neck, but are anything but.
He’s going somewhere with this. He’s explaining—he’s sharing without being goaded, coaxed, or threatened. Jack is opening up, letting Ianto hold him…he just needs a little help.
The right little urges and noises to know he’s being heard. Prompting him to go on—those touches to remind him of his where and when so he can speak safely.
So Ianto holds him tighter, tries to keep his heart from racing, and purses his lips to brush another drowsy kiss against Jack’s neck where his face is still happily tucked as he listens closely and gently coaxes him along this story he’s decided to tell.]
You were born bloody charming. Fight me, as your niece likes to say.
[That quip makes Jack properly laugh, shaking his head even as he rests one hand over Ianto, not quite lacing their fingers together.]
I was born with the good looks that made it easier for people to put up with me fumbling around as I learned to be charming. And I got a lot more time to practice after I got back that first time.
[He sighs, leaning back against Ianto a little more though he keeps his eyes open. It doesn't keep the past from coming for him, but it makes it easier to keep it from overriding the present.]
I honestly forgot most the fine details before I even got home, but as cliché as it sounds it's pretty true that in most ways, war doesn't change much even after a couple thousand years. Even if the other side's got tentacles and eight eyes or whatever and uses acid spit instead of guns, end results are always the same. Some people on both sides come home, others don't. My friend didn't.
[He can't quite bring himself to tell Ianto what he'd told the real Captain Jack, even if that's a huge part of why all this is getting unboxed. Because he really doesn't want to be back in that place.
Instead he takes a deep breath and lets it out before starting again.]
But because of a couple reckless things I did that wound up getting some important intel, I was suddenly being called a hero when I got back. Was pretty mad about it at first. Well, whole time, really, but I was also sixteen and didn't exactly mind the attention it got me from everyone, but especially all the other folks my age who suddenly thought I was a lot more attractive than I'd been before and were a lot more willing to swallow my bad lines.
[he knows that usually he'd say 'and other things', but right now that personality doesn't really want to hang around. Not yet, anyway. He'll probably come out of hiding when this is done and it's just him and Ianto again instead of all his stupid baggage.]
There's lots of reasons no civilization should let any of their people sign up to get themselves killed before their brain's finished cooking. [he says, voice a little softer now] But one of many is, if they actually get back, even if they didn't see anything that bad, lots of 'em are still going to be a whole lot more careless about…things they shouldn't be. More than teenagers already are. 'Specially if they're, say, an orphan so were already going without a whole lot of adult supervision, and then came back and was suddenly being treated like an adult just because they fired a blaster a couple times. Take all that, throw in being the only person around to really grieve the guy you…
[got killed jams in his throat, because he knows Ianto would argue it, and his guilt really isn't the point. Not right now, at least.
He clears this throat, waiting a moment until he can be sure his voice will come out steady and almost-casual] The biggest shock is probably that it took me a whole six months or so after I got back to wind up pregnant.
[Ianto stills at that revelation—but he doesn’t balk. He doesn’t flinch or even breathe differently.
He’s surprised—but he’s not shocked.
Before Lisa, he heard more than he ought to have. Invisibility had its perks, and of course the team always made jokes about Jack’s crazy stories. Some of which did turn out to be true—not many, but a couple, and far sweeter in reality. The alien who was living flame? Actually made of light, and just a friend he was bonding with—sex was taboo in intimate relationships among her people. The wild night with Sasquatch? Actually a remnant of the carny—lovely young man with hypertrichosis who later found love with a man who shared the condition.
This…he never expected to be one of the real ones, but he knows enough to avoid a more visceral reaction.
Ianto’s hand slips out from under Jack’s to cover it, this time securely meshing their fingers and pressing them solidly against his midsection. He noses at Jack’s temple, speaking softly against his skin.]
That’s not in your file.
[More meaningless, leading chatter—but Ianto is definitely holding him just a little bit tighter, trying to fight the cold, horrified, aching thing sitting at the base of his sternum, threatening to freeze the air right out of his lungs.]
[Jack lets out an only-slightly nervous chuckle. He hadn't expected Ianto to react with disgust the way a lot of people would have, even in their line work--Charles Gaskell comes to mind--but he'd still expected a little more open confusion.]
Yeah, well, Torchwood might have had advanced tech and science for the time when I joined up but they still wouldn't have known what to look for. Especially since I got the really important equipment for that particular process removed a couple years later. Time Agency was pretty lax about a lot of things, which is why they let people like me and Hart graduate, but they were pretty strict on making sure agents didn't wind up becoming their own great-great-great grandfather or something, so sterilization's a requirement for graduation.
[He tries not to focus too much on the pressure of Ianto's fingers, instead tipping his head a little into the warm breath rushing over his temple and cheek.]
They're half the reason it didn't come to anything. I'd only just figured out why I was feeling off for a couple weeks after talking to one of my girlfriends, who thankfully was nice enough to keep her mouth shut about it, when I got the offer to go to the Time Academy. I was already…[he sighs, trying to figure out the best way to explain the tangled thoughts and feelings of that screwed up boy, somehow even more screwed up than the man he'd eventually become in some ways.]
I did spend a couple weeks thinking about it. Didn't have a damn clue who the other genetic contributor was, but I could've found out if I wanted to, maybe asked if they'd pitch in. Started coming up with some harebrained ideas of how I'd make it work, knew it'd be rough but at least I'd have a family again, right? [he shakes his head, laughing a little.] Teenagers really don't change, they just get more ways to do reckless, stupid shite.
[He swallows, flexing his fingers against Ianto's.] But everyone was so proud when I got that offer, since I was the first one on the whole Peninsula the Agency recruited. And I told myself that hey, whenever I'm done with 'em, I can always get the whole process reversed. Might've, if I'd left through official channels instead of just stealing a ship when no one was looking. Still might, when I get to the century when they've got the process refined again. Dunno. Little far off to really think about it much. Hadn't thought about…the whole thing, much in a long time but something John mentioned about that guy, Simon--something he went through, I guess, 'long with all that 'getting kicked back to before I finished puberty' business got it all dredged up again, I guess.
[Some of that cold knot in Ianto’s chest melts a little as Jack clarifies…well, as best as anyone can when discussing something painful and otherwise strange to someone like Ianto.
He shifts his grip on Jack’s hand a little, sliding their joined fingers to rest over his diaphragm rather than his belly, leans into Jack a little more as he turns his head into the flutter of Ianto’s breath across his cheek.]
A family’s not all in the genes, y’know—look at Channing. I know you do, gripe all you want but you’re fond of her. I can’t imagine making that choice myself, and whether or not you’ve got the same notions about having children now is moot: letting one go, medically or otherwise, is hard and you’ll not convince me of anything to the contrary.
[Ianto hesitates, because that much is unclear to him. If Jack made the choice he can live with, if he has regrets…if he’s longing for something or afraid Ianto wants something he’d rather avoid.
He’s not sure what to say to make himself understood—that Ianto is greedy for any part of Jack and John he can get. Any, all, every scrap.
Finally, he reaches for Jack’s chin and turns his head so Ianto can kiss him, soft and chaste.]
I stand by what I said…but you should also know that I’m happy. I’m…I never imagined I could have something like this, someone like you. And I’m here until the end, Jack. Anything more is always welcome, but the only thing that will ever cause me a sleepless night is less than this. Right here, right now—a life without you. As is, no changes.
[He smiles, stealing another kiss.]
Including the socks you can never remember to toss in the hamper.
[Jack holds his tongue while Ianto talks, biting back the interjections and clarifications he wants to make at first. He's never really been sure how he felt about the whole business, because he's not sure how he was feeling about anything back then.
He does let out a soft laugh at the mention of Channing--Ianto's got him there, despite how jarring her appearance in his life had been at first. As much as he tries to run from any connection to his past, there's something comforting in knowing his wife's family kept going, in some way.
When Ianto kisses him, he melt into it happily and lets out a fuller laugh against his mouth at that comment about the socks.]
That goes both ways, you know. Never thought I'd actually give living with someone another go. Even tried to convince myself that when I did with John that the fact it was in a dream meant it wasn't really that serious.
[And they all know what bullshit that was, and even Jack knew it at the time, much as he didn't want to admit it to himself. Which was why he'd tried to make himself forget the whole thing even faster than he would have ordinarily.
Sighing, he curls a hand against Ianto's nape as he steals a quick kiss of his own.]
Think it bothered me more when I was married. Most the lies I had to tell Bess were pretty easy to rationalize, and I could give her enough half-truths that I didn't feel like I was actually deceiving her. But I couldn't exactly tell a woman I married in 1899 that the reason she wasn't getting pregnant was because I got fixed in the 51st century, all because of some job I wound up running away from. But it's probably knocking around because of that and…being reminded of why I was being quite so reckless as a teenager.
[Something he still hasn't told anyone about besides a man who died in 1941.
Shaking that away, he nuzzles at Ianto's jawline.]
I hadn't got it through my thick skull back then that I could be an orphan and still have a family. Took me way longer than it should have to pay attention to that lesson. [he presses a quick, open mouthed kiss to the hammering of Ianto's pulse at his throat] To realize I had it here.
[The press of Jack’s mouth against his throat makes that pulse beat a little faster, but so does that admission.
To realize I had it here.
Ianto spent too long thinking he would never hear Jack say ‘I love you,’ but this…this is so much more. So much he never let himself fully want it, let himself be happy Jack had found something close with John.
For a second he’s back in Jack’s office, watching those beautiful blue eyes glow as he admits to being happy he was there. With Ianto.
Because he loves him.
Like that moment, he’s overcome with it—the sweet ache of being known and desired for his heart as well as his body, and he has to kiss Jack or he’ll die.
Gathering his face between his hands, Ianto kisses Jack because he can’t swallow him down. He kisses him because he can’t open his ribcage and draw Jack into himself to keep him safe, keep him forever.
He kisses Jack because he can’t communicate any of that with superficial, paltry words.]
[Jack lets out a short noise of surprise as Ianto's mouth covers his, and almost simultaneously moves to press his free hand against Ianto's back to pull him as close as possible as he kisses Ianto back. And keeps kissing him, until he feels just a little dizzy and absolutely has to break away for breath.
Then he lets out a breathy laugh, grinning.]
Y'know, all this time I still somehow thought you were the one more freaked out over the idea of me sticking around.
['who said anything about relationships?' rings in his head. But he supposes it's not fair to Ianto to assume he hadn't changed his feelings about that, that he hasn't decided he wants more, not just sharing a bed or even a home, but--whatever he had with Lisa, or something close.
But has been, all this time. Hasn't been giving Ianto enough credit, kept thinking that Ianto saw him…not as harshly as lots of other people, but probably at least beliving him incapable of putting down those kinds of roots. Especially since he's presumably read everything all those old Torchwood agents wrote about him, a lot of it rumor or outright slander but some of it…very not.]
[Those same words ring in Ianto’s memory as he tries to catch his breath around the crushing desire to drag Jack in again despite being just as dizzy from that lack or air. Words spoken with that last echo of anger still edging his loneliness and the desire he hadn’t even realized was growing in him. Too angry to let himself have more, too despondent to think it mattered…
Now he has Jack in his bed, sharing his home—another wonderful, beautiful man sharing his heart with both of them that he never would have met if not for Jack. Jack, who has been ready to kill for him, Jack who suffered two thousand years under Cardiff and wrapped him up in his arms when he awoke…Jack who has forgiven him even the blackest sins.
Ianto smiles softly, gently tangling both his hands in Jack’s hair.]
Yes, well—if you’d like the words, I’m officially saying something about a relationship.
[The smile melts into a grin as he pulls Jack in to kiss him again, breathing the rest against his mouth.]
You’re in one, mate—and you’ll have to die, permanently, to get out of it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2023-11-26 05:09 am (UTC)Sometimes it’s a barely their awareness in sleep—rousing slightly, feeling the bed shift in that particular way, Jack’s soft breath and feet padding out of the room. Not a nightmare, likely restless…figure out which of the kitchen drawers Jack rearranged in the morning.
Others, he wakes fully because Jack’s had a bad one, enough to shake Ianto fully awake himself by it. From there, it’s about figuring out what Jack needs, and sometimes it really is to just be left alone until the fear abates enough for him to articulate a need—a kiss for touch, a touch for sex, an utterance of Ianto’s name for support and conversation.
Lately, it’s been this: waking fully, Jack still in bed or padding out of the room. Not restless, not a nightmare. Something new—and new isn’t always good.
So this time, when Jack stands, Ianto doesn’t feign or reach for sleep. He sits up, staring at Jack’s indecisive figure.]
Trouble? Torchwood or otherwise?…
no subject
Date: 2023-11-26 05:53 am (UTC)Not really. Just the frustration of dealing with a brain that has two centuries of memories to scatter all over the place and leaves you to do the cleanup.
[The smile he puts in his voice isn't entirely false; this isn't bad, just not something he thought he'd have to deal with again.
Which is why he doesn't have a great idea of where to start on even sort of explaining it to Ianto so he'll actually believe it's nothing to worry about. Still, he turns and sits back down on the bed instead of just telling Ianto he's fine. He is, but he's not sure that will be so easy to believe if he runs off.
After a long moment staring at the floor, he turns with a weak smile.]
You remember telling my younger self you kinda hoped if you had kids that they'd be like him?
[It's such a roundabout way of getting to the real story--stories--but he hasn't been able to think about his life in a linear fashion in ages, forget talking about it that way.]
no subject
Date: 2023-11-26 06:06 am (UTC)[The soft grunt comes as Ianto shifts himself to sit up and scoot closer, draping himself against Jack’s back. He knows how heavily Jack roots himself in touch, seeking everything from inner peace to forgiveness from human contact.
So if a hug will solve all his problems, Ianto will happily cling to him forever—but for the moment, settles for hooking his chin over Jack’s shoulder and sliding his arms around his waist.]
Stand by it, you were an absolute delight as a boy.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-26 04:28 pm (UTC)Right now, for instance.]
Yeah, well, we got lucky on the timing there. If that stuff'd knocked me back another year, I'm not sure I would've been verbal at all that first day. And if I'd been much older…
[he sighs, wishing he didn't understand why his mind's decided to start rifling through this particular bunch of boxes, because then it would be a lot easier to just kick them back in the corner.
But even if John hadn't told him, however briefly, that something awful had happened to Simon, he would have seen it. Because he could recognize the shape of the man's cheerful, charming masks too well and what it took to make them.]
Bet it comes as a big shock that right around that time, I got it into my head the best way to convince everyone around me that I wasn't a coward was to run off and enlist. And I guess I must've already been charming enough, since I managed to talk my best friend into coming along.
['talk', hell, he'd begged--hadn't wanted to go alone. Not that it had mattered, in the end. And it doesn't matter that he's never managed to bury that memory, that it's one of the few things that's always stayed clear, it's still enough to make his chest tight to think about.
It had made him do a lot more, after the fact.]
no subject
Date: 2023-11-26 05:36 pm (UTC)[The words sound distracted as Ianto shifts to kiss Jack’s shoulder, then press his nose into the curve of his neck, but are anything but.
He’s going somewhere with this. He’s explaining—he’s sharing without being goaded, coaxed, or threatened. Jack is opening up, letting Ianto hold him…he just needs a little help.
The right little urges and noises to know he’s being heard. Prompting him to go on—those touches to remind him of his where and when so he can speak safely.
So Ianto holds him tighter, tries to keep his heart from racing, and purses his lips to brush another drowsy kiss against Jack’s neck where his face is still happily tucked as he listens closely and gently coaxes him along this story he’s decided to tell.]
You were born bloody charming. Fight me, as your niece likes to say.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-26 09:45 pm (UTC)I was born with the good looks that made it easier for people to put up with me fumbling around as I learned to be charming. And I got a lot more time to practice after I got back that first time.
[He sighs, leaning back against Ianto a little more though he keeps his eyes open. It doesn't keep the past from coming for him, but it makes it easier to keep it from overriding the present.]
I honestly forgot most the fine details before I even got home, but as cliché as it sounds it's pretty true that in most ways, war doesn't change much even after a couple thousand years. Even if the other side's got tentacles and eight eyes or whatever and uses acid spit instead of guns, end results are always the same. Some people on both sides come home, others don't. My friend didn't.
[He can't quite bring himself to tell Ianto what he'd told the real Captain Jack, even if that's a huge part of why all this is getting unboxed. Because he really doesn't want to be back in that place.
Instead he takes a deep breath and lets it out before starting again.]
But because of a couple reckless things I did that wound up getting some important intel, I was suddenly being called a hero when I got back. Was pretty mad about it at first. Well, whole time, really, but I was also sixteen and didn't exactly mind the attention it got me from everyone, but especially all the other folks my age who suddenly thought I was a lot more attractive than I'd been before and were a lot more willing to swallow my bad lines.
[he knows that usually he'd say 'and other things', but right now that personality doesn't really want to hang around. Not yet, anyway. He'll probably come out of hiding when this is done and it's just him and Ianto again instead of all his stupid baggage.]
There's lots of reasons no civilization should let any of their people sign up to get themselves killed before their brain's finished cooking. [he says, voice a little softer now] But one of many is, if they actually get back, even if they didn't see anything that bad, lots of 'em are still going to be a whole lot more careless about…things they shouldn't be. More than teenagers already are. 'Specially if they're, say, an orphan so were already going without a whole lot of adult supervision, and then came back and was suddenly being treated like an adult just because they fired a blaster a couple times. Take all that, throw in being the only person around to really grieve the guy you…
[got killed jams in his throat, because he knows Ianto would argue it, and his guilt really isn't the point. Not right now, at least.
He clears this throat, waiting a moment until he can be sure his voice will come out steady and almost-casual] The biggest shock is probably that it took me a whole six months or so after I got back to wind up pregnant.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-26 10:08 pm (UTC)He’s surprised—but he’s not shocked.
Before Lisa, he heard more than he ought to have. Invisibility had its perks, and of course the team always made jokes about Jack’s crazy stories. Some of which did turn out to be true—not many, but a couple, and far sweeter in reality. The alien who was living flame? Actually made of light, and just a friend he was bonding with—sex was taboo in intimate relationships among her people. The wild night with Sasquatch? Actually a remnant of the carny—lovely young man with hypertrichosis who later found love with a man who shared the condition.
This…he never expected to be one of the real ones, but he knows enough to avoid a more visceral reaction.
Ianto’s hand slips out from under Jack’s to cover it, this time securely meshing their fingers and pressing them solidly against his midsection. He noses at Jack’s temple, speaking softly against his skin.]
That’s not in your file.
[More meaningless, leading chatter—but Ianto is definitely holding him just a little bit tighter, trying to fight the cold, horrified, aching thing sitting at the base of his sternum, threatening to freeze the air right out of his lungs.]
no subject
Date: 2023-11-26 10:41 pm (UTC)Yeah, well, Torchwood might have had advanced tech and science for the time when I joined up but they still wouldn't have known what to look for. Especially since I got the really important equipment for that particular process removed a couple years later. Time Agency was pretty lax about a lot of things, which is why they let people like me and Hart graduate, but they were pretty strict on making sure agents didn't wind up becoming their own great-great-great grandfather or something, so sterilization's a requirement for graduation.
[He tries not to focus too much on the pressure of Ianto's fingers, instead tipping his head a little into the warm breath rushing over his temple and cheek.]
They're half the reason it didn't come to anything. I'd only just figured out why I was feeling off for a couple weeks after talking to one of my girlfriends, who thankfully was nice enough to keep her mouth shut about it, when I got the offer to go to the Time Academy. I was already…[he sighs, trying to figure out the best way to explain the tangled thoughts and feelings of that screwed up boy, somehow even more screwed up than the man he'd eventually become in some ways.]
I did spend a couple weeks thinking about it. Didn't have a damn clue who the other genetic contributor was, but I could've found out if I wanted to, maybe asked if they'd pitch in. Started coming up with some harebrained ideas of how I'd make it work, knew it'd be rough but at least I'd have a family again, right? [he shakes his head, laughing a little.] Teenagers really don't change, they just get more ways to do reckless, stupid shite.
[He swallows, flexing his fingers against Ianto's.] But everyone was so proud when I got that offer, since I was the first one on the whole Peninsula the Agency recruited. And I told myself that hey, whenever I'm done with 'em, I can always get the whole process reversed. Might've, if I'd left through official channels instead of just stealing a ship when no one was looking. Still might, when I get to the century when they've got the process refined again. Dunno. Little far off to really think about it much. Hadn't thought about…the whole thing, much in a long time but something John mentioned about that guy, Simon--something he went through, I guess, 'long with all that 'getting kicked back to before I finished puberty' business got it all dredged up again, I guess.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-27 12:09 am (UTC)He shifts his grip on Jack’s hand a little, sliding their joined fingers to rest over his diaphragm rather than his belly, leans into Jack a little more as he turns his head into the flutter of Ianto’s breath across his cheek.]
A family’s not all in the genes, y’know—look at Channing. I know you do, gripe all you want but you’re fond of her. I can’t imagine making that choice myself, and whether or not you’ve got the same notions about having children now is moot: letting one go, medically or otherwise, is hard and you’ll not convince me of anything to the contrary.
[Ianto hesitates, because that much is unclear to him. If Jack made the choice he can live with, if he has regrets…if he’s longing for something or afraid Ianto wants something he’d rather avoid.
He’s not sure what to say to make himself understood—that Ianto is greedy for any part of Jack and John he can get. Any, all, every scrap.
Finally, he reaches for Jack’s chin and turns his head so Ianto can kiss him, soft and chaste.]
I stand by what I said…but you should also know that I’m happy. I’m…I never imagined I could have something like this, someone like you. And I’m here until the end, Jack. Anything more is always welcome, but the only thing that will ever cause me a sleepless night is less than this. Right here, right now—a life without you. As is, no changes.
[He smiles, stealing another kiss.]
Including the socks you can never remember to toss in the hamper.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-27 01:36 am (UTC)He does let out a soft laugh at the mention of Channing--Ianto's got him there, despite how jarring her appearance in his life had been at first. As much as he tries to run from any connection to his past, there's something comforting in knowing his wife's family kept going, in some way.
When Ianto kisses him, he melt into it happily and lets out a fuller laugh against his mouth at that comment about the socks.]
That goes both ways, you know. Never thought I'd actually give living with someone another go. Even tried to convince myself that when I did with John that the fact it was in a dream meant it wasn't really that serious.
[And they all know what bullshit that was, and even Jack knew it at the time, much as he didn't want to admit it to himself. Which was why he'd tried to make himself forget the whole thing even faster than he would have ordinarily.
Sighing, he curls a hand against Ianto's nape as he steals a quick kiss of his own.]
Think it bothered me more when I was married. Most the lies I had to tell Bess were pretty easy to rationalize, and I could give her enough half-truths that I didn't feel like I was actually deceiving her. But I couldn't exactly tell a woman I married in 1899 that the reason she wasn't getting pregnant was because I got fixed in the 51st century, all because of some job I wound up running away from. But it's probably knocking around because of that and…being reminded of why I was being quite so reckless as a teenager.
[Something he still hasn't told anyone about besides a man who died in 1941.
Shaking that away, he nuzzles at Ianto's jawline.]
I hadn't got it through my thick skull back then that I could be an orphan and still have a family. Took me way longer than it should have to pay attention to that lesson. [he presses a quick, open mouthed kiss to the hammering of Ianto's pulse at his throat] To realize I had it here.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-27 03:59 am (UTC)To realize I had it here.
Ianto spent too long thinking he would never hear Jack say ‘I love you,’ but this…this is so much more. So much he never let himself fully want it, let himself be happy Jack had found something close with John.
For a second he’s back in Jack’s office, watching those beautiful blue eyes glow as he admits to being happy he was there. With Ianto.
Because he loves him.
Like that moment, he’s overcome with it—the sweet ache of being known and desired for his heart as well as his body, and he has to kiss Jack or he’ll die.
Gathering his face between his hands, Ianto kisses Jack because he can’t swallow him down. He kisses him because he can’t open his ribcage and draw Jack into himself to keep him safe, keep him forever.
He kisses Jack because he can’t communicate any of that with superficial, paltry words.]
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Date: 2023-12-01 12:38 am (UTC)Then he lets out a breathy laugh, grinning.]
Y'know, all this time I still somehow thought you were the one more freaked out over the idea of me sticking around.
['who said anything about relationships?' rings in his head. But he supposes it's not fair to Ianto to assume he hadn't changed his feelings about that, that he hasn't decided he wants more, not just sharing a bed or even a home, but--whatever he had with Lisa, or something close.
But has been, all this time. Hasn't been giving Ianto enough credit, kept thinking that Ianto saw him…not as harshly as lots of other people, but probably at least beliving him incapable of putting down those kinds of roots. Especially since he's presumably read everything all those old Torchwood agents wrote about him, a lot of it rumor or outright slander but some of it…very not.]
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Date: 2023-12-01 12:50 am (UTC)Now he has Jack in his bed, sharing his home—another wonderful, beautiful man sharing his heart with both of them that he never would have met if not for Jack. Jack, who has been ready to kill for him, Jack who suffered two thousand years under Cardiff and wrapped him up in his arms when he awoke…Jack who has forgiven him even the blackest sins.
Ianto smiles softly, gently tangling both his hands in Jack’s hair.]
Yes, well—if you’d like the words, I’m officially saying something about a relationship.
[The smile melts into a grin as he pulls Jack in to kiss him again, breathing the rest against his mouth.]
You’re in one, mate—and you’ll have to die, permanently, to get out of it.