Ianto's mouth drops open as he flinches again at the word blackmail. For one terrible second, he's got a gun in his hand again, his world is falling apart around him, and he's forgotten everything he ever knew and learned working for Torchwood. Maybe on purpose, alone as he was against the world and Captain Jack bloody Harkness...
Visibly squaring his shoulders, the lines of his face are hard--but his eyes are nothing but filled with hollow grief, complete with the first bright shine of tears.
"For the record--not that it matters," he begins quietly, soft with a very genuine, very defeated gentleness, "Jean's role in the organization of the levy plan I gave you was obfuscated at their request. They came to me with a very noble idea to protect this community, and so well put together I was dazzled...and they absolutely refused to take credit for it. Refused to lead, refused any sort of--of merit for helping, and do you know why? They were the one fearful that their association with that tosser at the Occularum would prejudice you. They were making a sacrifice, one I understood, and I gave them that note knowing you would be cross with me for not asking permission. For imposing upon you with the request of a favor I asked for someone I owed a sacrifice to. I thought that sacrifice I was making was an imposition--not an accusation of exploiting the woman I love like she means nothing to me."
He pauses, and only then does the briefest flicker of anger rise in his eyes before dying again.
"I've done a lot of things for and to the people I love. I've killed, lied, and betrayed all I stand for to save them. I've been responsible for their deaths, not once but twice. But what you're accusing me of right now...I've never done that. Not now. Not ever."
And Ianto needs to find a way to get away from this, or he's going to hit the kind of spiral he hasn't touched since he first started seeing Jack--the one that had him at the Ferret on the regular, the kind that had him considering the unspeakable.
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timeasmymeasure
CW: nongraphic memories of suicidal ideation, nongraphic allusions to self harm
Date: 2024-02-05 08:33 pm (UTC)Visibly squaring his shoulders, the lines of his face are hard--but his eyes are nothing but filled with hollow grief, complete with the first bright shine of tears.
"For the record--not that it matters," he begins quietly, soft with a very genuine, very defeated gentleness, "Jean's role in the organization of the levy plan I gave you was obfuscated at their request. They came to me with a very noble idea to protect this community, and so well put together I was dazzled...and they absolutely refused to take credit for it. Refused to lead, refused any sort of--of merit for helping, and do you know why? They were the one fearful that their association with that tosser at the Occularum would prejudice you. They were making a sacrifice, one I understood, and I gave them that note knowing you would be cross with me for not asking permission. For imposing upon you with the request of a favor I asked for someone I owed a sacrifice to. I thought that sacrifice I was making was an imposition--not an accusation of exploiting the woman I love like she means nothing to me."
He pauses, and only then does the briefest flicker of anger rise in his eyes before dying again.
"I've done a lot of things for and to the people I love. I've killed, lied, and betrayed all I stand for to save them. I've been responsible for their deaths, not once but twice. But what you're accusing me of right now...I've never done that. Not now. Not ever."
And Ianto needs to find a way to get away from this, or he's going to hit the kind of spiral he hasn't touched since he first started seeing Jack--the one that had him at the Ferret on the regular, the kind that had him considering the unspeakable.